Two Weeks of Purging, Releasing, and Opening – Steve Pavlina

Integration of my recent MDMA journey has been going well and keeping me busier than I expected. It actually feels like I’m still going through that journey. I sense that the energies involved knew that I’d have two weeks to myself with Rachelle out of town (she’s visiting family in Canada and returns tonight), so they invited me to have an extended solo experience. I’d kept my schedule very open during those two weeks, so I feel that on some level I said yes to that invitation.

I haven’t taken any substances since a microdose of mushrooms on the 16th, opting for a longer break, but that hasn’t mattered so much because I’ve remained open energetically. I could clearly see what I needed to do to continue – lots and lots of additional releasing.

Here’s some of what I did in terms of releasing and purging during the past two weeks:

  • Purging Awards – I threw away old trophies and awards going all the way back to 1979 (academic and scholarship awards, contest trophies and medals, Toastmasters awards, computer game business awards, ASP Hall of Fame award, etc).
  • Shredding Past Speeches – I shredded printed copies of many old speeches, speech contest notes, podcast notes, etc.
  • Shredding Project Notes – I shredded old project design notes and index cards from previously published courses like DAI and Submersion, my book, old unfinished projects, etc. I had built up an archive of project notes, as if to prove to myself how hard and how creatively I worked on them.
  • Releasing Toastmasters – I purged old Toastmasters and National Speakers Association documents, manuals, certificates, resources, etc. All were shredded or recycled. This included some additional awards too like my Toastmaster of the Year and Spark Plug of the Year trophies.
  • Releasing Martial Arts – I shredded my martial arts certificates that showed my belt ranks (Tae Kwon Do, Shaolin Kempo).
  • Releasing Previous Workshops – I went through my filing cabinet and shredded and recycled lots of old energy, including notes, handouts, and other documents from all previous workshops. I scanned and digitally archived what I wanted to keep, so I could purge the physical copies. This emptied an entire drawer from my filing cabinet. I think I’ll eventually get rid of that filing cabinet too. I’m not going to need four drawers worth of paper files going forward.
  • Releasing Old Clothes – I set aside some old clothes for donation. Some that were really beat up went into the trash, including a threadbare faculty T-shirt from the Game Developers Conference. The last time I spoke at the GDC was in March 2004. Why did I keep it all this time? It kept me linked to my old identity as a game developer.
  • Releasing Thank You Letters – I shredded my entire file folder filled with thank-you cards and letters that I’ve received over the years. I’m glad to have helped, but I don’t need to keep those physical tokens anymore.
  • Releasing Progress Logs – I shredded many old paper progress logs and time logs that I’d been keeping since the 1990s, tracking what I ate, how I used my time, when I slept, etc.
  • Releasing Assessments – I shredded some psychological assessments, including a printed and bound one from Winslow Research that told me all about my personality in 1992. I even shredded the covers.
  • Releasing Old Accomplishments – I shredded printouts of old software programs and graphical printouts (mostly fractal images) that I created in high school. These had been treasured items from the 1980s that I kept in a folder in the garage. Then I shredded the folder that contained them.
  • Releasing News Clips – I shredded old news clippings that I was quoted in.
  • Releasing TLC – It’s time for me to move on from the Transformational Leadership Council (which is really a vacation club and a co-validation co-op). I left the TLC WhatsApp group several days ago, and I’m not going to renew my membership for 2024 and beyond. I was also hosting monthly TLC Zoom calls, and I’m dropping those too (not going to finish out the year); any other member who wants to host them can take over. I’ve been a TLC member for 9 years out of the last 15. I love many of the people I’ve met through TLC, but the group itself isn’t right for me. Letting it go is a little sad but so necessary. As I processed the sadness, I also found a lot of anger coming up. I can see that I’ve been repressing my feelings over TLC being so committed to the shallow end of the pool of its potential. When I’ve challenged that aspect, I’ve gotten strong pushback from those who want to keep it as it is. The unspoken truth about TLC is that it’s really not what its name suggests. Some members don’t even meet the stated qualifications for membership (even if we use a pretty imaginative definition of transformational leader); they were voted in by their friends who wanted them in the club. What really drove the nail in this coffin though was when my higher self asked me, “Do you think I’d be in TLC?” The answer was obvious: Fuck no! There’s just no hiding from the truth here. It’s time to let this go and move on. I picked up my Golden Motorcycle Gang coin that I received during my second TLC meeting, withdrew my energy from it, and tossed it in the trash.
  • Purging Computer Files – I deleted lots of old computer files, especially those representing old goals, plans, and interests. My files are pretty well-organized, but there’s plenty more to purge, so I’ll keep working on that in the weeks ahead.
  • Releasing Old Tech – Rachelle and I both upgraded to Apple Watch 9 and iPhone 15 Pro, so we’ll recycle our old models soon. Our iPhone 11 Pros were great, but after four years it feels like a good time for a refresh.
  • Releasing Old Business Docs – I shredded a bunch of old documents from my computer games business that I had in a box in the garage (mostly old contracts that have long since expired). Why had I been keeping those? I think that also qualified as a record of past accomplishments – all those licensing deals I had signed.
  • Releasing Books – I dumped some old books, including some I’ve never read. I just sensed they were full of bullshit.
  • Releasing Other Clutter – I dumped various odds and ends. Why did I even accept a Chase Bank mug as a “free gift” when I opened a new account? Do I want banking energy in my kitchen? Do I like how banking energy affects my coffee or tea? Nope!
  • Releasing Furniture – I cleared out a two-drawer filing cabinet and drove it over to a local nonprofit that could put it to good use. I have some more furniture to declutter, so I intend to donate some other items later this year. I like finding new homes for these items where I sense they’ll be welcomed and appreciated. I’d especially like to donate my desk that I’ve been using for the past 10 years. This feels like a good time to invite and welcome a new desk that’s a better fit for my higher self. I envision a desk with a thick wooden surface that’s irregular around the edges – something that feels very solid yet isn’t so rectangular.
  • Releasing Old Blocks – I did lots of internal purging and releasing of old thought patterns, filters, and blocks. At least five times during those two weeks, I got up in the middle of the night to do extra inner processing for an hour or two, and then I went back to sleep. Whenever I felt some old patterns or emotions come up that wanted to move through me and out of me, I did my best to address them immediately, regardless of the time.

I didn’t follow any plan or procedure for this process. I simply went from one form of releasing to the next as my intuition suggested. Whatever came to mind, I did my best to handle it immediately. But I could also see some possibilities being queued up for later because I wasn’t ready to deal with them yet. Sometimes I jumped around from area to area while other times I focused on one aspect for many hours or even days at a stretch. Shredding all the paper documents took the longest.

Releasing Validation

A lot of items that I released formed a scaffolding of validation and past accomplishments that I don’t need anymore. I prefer to release those attachments, so I can feel freer. Those items anchored me to an older vision of myself. So for me this is a process of emptying my cup. I want to be more open and receptive to what’s coming up next, and I can tell it’s not going to fit within my old sense of self.

This is also a process of aligning my life more strongly with my higher self. My higher self doesn’t need any validation or proof of identity. By his standards my past human accomplishments are all trivial anyway, so there’s really no point in keeping them as reference experiences. The scaffolding that once served me on my path of growth could actually block me from accessing more of the possibility space going forward, so it’s time to let that go. Even if the walls are decorated nicely, they still create a bounding box of expectations, and I don’t need that anymore.

I found it very interesting to observe that as I was releasing possessions, even those I regarded as prizes, I was actually releasing blocks.

I especially released anything I could find that represented competition since I have no desire to compete with anyone or to define myself that way. That’s another reason the trophies had to go. Yesterday my higher self also asked me, “Do you think I ever care about competing with humans?” Ha… another obvious no.

I kept a handful of items that I still felt some resonance with and that didn’t feel limiting to me, such as my L.A. Marathon finishers medal. To me that wasn’t really competitive since I wasn’t going to win anyway. I shredded my race certificate but opted to keep the medal as a memento of that day.

What I needed to release wasn’t so much about the item but rather about what it represented to me and why I’d been keeping it. I did my best to be very honest. There was no point in trying to trick my higher self. He’s been very patient in giving me the processing and reflection time I needed to make all of these decisions. I knew there was no need to rush, but I also wanted to move through this while I had so much dedicated alone time.

Why so much shredding? It felt intuitively right to shred most of the paper items as a way to release my attachment to them and to free up any trapped energy. I do wish I’d gotten a heavy duty shredder instead of the relatively light duty one I have. I must have overheated it about 20 times during this process. :hot_face:

That wasn’t so bad though since it made me slow down and be more reflective. Sometimes I liked seeing the overheat light go on since then it was an invitation to take a break. This process was physically easy but emotionally intense at times. With every item I shredded or released, it was like I was saying goodbye to a part of my past. Sometimes it felt like I was going through a life review. Look at all these experiences I’ve had. Now let them all go! As you can probably imagine, tears were part of it too. It often felt like I was saying goodbye to who I was, so I can clear space for what wants to come through next. I don’t have perfect clarity about what that next looks like, but I know the old self has to move out of the way first.

Releasing Blocks

A lot of this type of processing that I’ve been doing involves releasing blocks and filters that I no longer need. Most of my physical decluttering process was of a similar nature. I had already done some major decluttering a few years ago, so the items that I released didn’t feel like obvious clutter. But I could see that they were all anchoring me to certain frequency ranges – those in which I’ve already learned to operate well such as writing, speaking, and creative work. And now that my perceptual range is opening up even more, I need to relax my grip on what I thought I knew about myself. I need to return to the space of possibility and flexibility.

This has not been easy emotionally. I often had random bursts of emotion come through me during this time, such as disappointment, regret, anger, sorrow, fear, anxiety, nervousness, and more. My higher self often said that I was going through this phase fairly quickly and that I could slow down if I wanted. But I wanted to keep moving through it, taking breaks when I needed them and then diving back into the thick of it. There’s a part of me that knows how important it is to keep going. Even when it was intense, that didn’t make me want to stop or give up.

I’m feeling lighter for having done this at least. All of those physical items occupied space in my energy matrix, so now that energy is being freed up.

It was also helpful to learn how to de-link my energy from those items before releasing them, so I didn’t feel like I was shredding or dumping a valuable part of myself. I’ll share more about how to do that on the upcoming Power of Spirit calls on October 7 and 8, as I mentioned near the end of my previous post.

Now I feel that part is finally winding down, but I’m not done yet. I’ll continue with it at a slower pace through the 4th quarter. Our theme in Conscious Growth Club for that quarter is Releasing, so that fits very well.

For this upcoming quarter I intend to continue this process with a digital cleanup too, including reviewing and purging unneeded files and apps from my laptop and unneeded apps from my phone and watch. Most of my files are pretty well-organized, and I have plenty of storage space, but there are a lot of old docs that could be purged.

Now I also understand why I kept saying “let it all go” during my major mushroom trip in July. That was a preview of what was to come. I think I was doing a spirit-level negotiation back then that set me on this path. When I was ready for the MDMA experience, the shroomie energy coordinated the introduction.

Don’t Panic!

During one night last week, I had trouble falling asleep because I began to feel very panicky. I had the thought that if I’m doing all of this processing and releasing and letting go of so much that had previously defined my human life, does that mean I’m about to die soon? Am I going through some kind of pre-death ritual to prepare myself for crossing over? I started having intense thoughts and feelings that if I went to sleep that night, I might not wake up in the morning, at least not in my human body. I stayed in bed awake for about an hour wondering, What if tonight is it? What if this is my last night here? Could that be why I’m doing all this releasing? Am I getting ready to cross over? Oh no… it feels like this could be true. How can I allow myself to sleep now?

I checked in with the shroomie energy that’s always present in the background. It assured me that I wasn’t going to die anytime soon. I checked in with my higher self – same answer. But I couldn’t shake those feelings. I asked for clarification on what was going on, and my higher self said, “Why don’t you go downstairs and we’ll do some processing together? It’s not like you’re going to sleep anyway.” I agreed. That seemed like a better option than lying in bed feeling panicky about dying that night.

It was a little before midnight. I went downstairs, lit a candle, put on some soft music (Enya I think), and went back into processing mode, much like during a psychedelic trip. What came up was that this was a fundamental fear of death that was surfacing because it was ready to be released. I asked how long it would take, and my higher self said it could take multiple sessions but that we ought to make good progress in an hour or two and then I should be able to sleep. I thought, I can do that. Even though I was tired and still a bit stressed, it seemed like a fair price to pay to release some fear of death.

It felt scarier to do this at night in the dark, but I felt that this was an important part of it. I leaned on my trust in these energies because they’ve never let me down.

As I processed this fear, felt it moving through me, and talked through it with my higher self, I noted how one internal block or fear is often linked with others. When I start releasing one, it would often bring up others like a giant spider web. Along with this fear of death came the fear of loss, such as losing Rachelle or her losing me. Then after that I surfaced and felt lots of specific death fears such as fear of falling, drowning, being shot, burning to death, freezing to death, being crushed, dying of a heart attack, and so many other ways to die. My higher self noted that many of these fears are installed in us before we incarnate – they serve the purpose of helping us stay rooted to our bodies and not escape back to spirit when the going gets tough. I’ve been learning that even the most difficult aspects of human life serve a spirit-level purpose.

Even the Spirit of Ayahuasca participated in this process (even though I didn’t take any), helping me to understand my very first night with it in November 2019. That was the scariest experience of my life because I became paralyzed fairly early into the experience. For a while I couldn’t move my body at all even though I was awake. I thought I might die because I was so worried my lungs would become paralyzed too. I began to panic and hyperventilate, wanting to ensure that I kept breathing no matter what. I didn’t want my breathing to slow down since then I thought I might stop breathing completely and wouldn’t have a next breath. I’d pass away silently, and no one would even notice till it was too late.

The Spirit of Ayahuasca finally revealed that it gave me that experience to help me face my greatest fear and greatest potential block regarding psychedelics and plant medicines. It wanted to show me that very first night that it was fully capable of killing me if it wanted to. And that was indeed a very convincing demonstration of its power. I knew that if it wanted me dead, I would have surely died that night. I felt completely powerless, unable to control my own body. My thoughts and emotions felt out of control as well. I even called out for help multiple times when I was able to vocalize, and no one came to assist me. I thought I was being pretty loud, figuring that the shaman and/or helpers must surely be able to hear me. Eventually one of the helpers did come by, but it was much later in the process when I was no longer so paralyzed. I now understand that the Spirit of Aya blocked them from helping me because it needed me to stay in the experience.

The Spirit of Aya showed me that it had the power to kill me, and it didn’t kill me, so I would be able to obliterate that potential trust issue up front. I had to learn that I could trust it not to kill me, and the best way to overcome that fear was to face it head-on. I went back for three more rounds of aya on the following three nights, actually less fearful than before. I asked it to be gentler on my body, and it was. I’ve since learned that even when these energies are hard on me, it’s always with a loving and supportive purpose. It’s really interesting working with energies that are powerful enough to kill while also trusting that they aren’t going to use their power in that way. That really takes trust to a whole new level.

This impacts my overall relationship with reality too. I know that it has the power to kill me any time it wants to, and I would be powerless to stop it. I can also see that it’s choosing not to kill me. I’m beginning to realize that death is less random than I had previously thought. I’m even being shown that I can have some say in when I die and that if I want to stay here for a lot longer, I have permission to do so.

I know I have more work to do along these lines, including with the Spirit of Death itself. I can see that I’m gradually learning to trust even death, especially my own future death. It still seems very intense when I look at it, but I think I can transform that relationship as I keep facing it and inviting previously suppressed feelings to surface and to teach me what knowledge they’ve been carrying. I used to feel much trepidation towards psychedelics too, but now I can look at them as trusted friends and spirit energies, and they aren’t so scary anymore. Fear has transformed into awe, reverence, and even playful partnership. I think I can do the same with death as well – eventually – but it will take a bit more time.

Unblocking Spirit-Level Communication Pathways

In the meantime I’ve been wide-open psychically for many weeks now as well. Old friends who’ve crossed over have been visiting me more days than not, sharing updates on how they’re doing and teaching me more about how the afterlife works. Even people I didn’t know personally but felt a connection to have been coming through loud and clear. For instance, I channeled a very fun and lively conversation with Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy author Douglas Adams for more than an hour. He passed away at age 49 in 2001. He shared so many extra details about the afterlife and his books that I wasn’t aware of, like how the falling whale was an analogy for incarnating as a human (the whale no longer being in the ocean of spirit). He also explained that there are many books with hidden spiritual messages that people will feel drawn to read when they’re ready, and those books won’t be found in the spirituality section.

One such book that I’ve been guided to read during this time – I’m about 1/3 of the way through it – is Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. I’ve long thought about reading that book for some reason and finally picked up a copy at a local bookstore. I wouldn’t even have gone to that bookstore if not for following the advice of another deceased person who nudged Rachelle and me to go. I’m going through the book very slowly, finding myself reflecting deeply on certain lines that pop out as unusual to me, such as this line that I read last night: The mere presence of the idea was an irresistible proof of the fact. That line is very holographic, suggesting that ideas manifest their own proof. The book begins with a series of four letters from a man on an expedition to the North Pole (seeking true north), and he has to break through a lot of ice along the way (removing blocks). This book is eerily relevant to what I’ve been going through lately. One of the most obvious links is that it’s a story about examining death, discovering its secrets, and finding life on the other side of death. It’s also a warning about how some blocks and filters are meant to remain in place and shouldn’t be bypassed before we’re ready. I don’t recommend that you randomly read this book too since it may not be relevant for you, but I invite you to pay extra attention to those books that keep popping into your mind where you feel an inner nudging to read them but you don’t know why.

I had previously developed this ability to tune in to spirit energies, including guides and deceased people, over a period of many years, starting in 1994. You may recall that I was previously in a relationship with a psychic medium for 15 years (married for 11). For much of my life, I was very immersed in that space. For a while Erin and I hosted spiritual meetups at our house. But after Erin and I separated in 2009, I largely allowed that aspect of my life to go dormant, only using it occasionally and selectively. Unlike Erin who went pro with her skills, I always kept mine on the personal side, mostly hidden from public view except on rare occasions. I used it in various ways in the background though, such as to make more intuitively aligned decisions.

It’s been revealed to me that my recent psychedelic journeying has built out new mental pathways. One of those new pathways now links my intuitive skills with my writing and communication skills. Both skill sets are very well developed, but they normally don’t talk to each other much. One skill set was private, the other public. With most of my writing, I’ve mainly tuned in to mental frequencies to gather ideas. I’m good at sensing what issues may be top of mind for other people and how I might be of assistance. Most of my writing has been essentially channeled from this frequency range. When I’m tuned in, the process of writing is pleasurable for me and mostly effortless because I allow these energies to flow through me right onto the screen. Then I combine them with examples and stories to make them easier to understand.

But now I can see that a much wider range is opening up and that I’ll be pulling in information from these other frequencies and sharing a lot more about them in the years ahead. One way of looking at it is that the psychedelics have rewired my brain to create much stronger links between different regions that previously remained mostly separate. Psychedelics are well-known to have such effects on the brain, but it’s quite fascinating to be experiencing this from the inside. Alternatively I could say that the psychedelics linked up different regions of my energy matrix. However I frame it, it’s clear that there’s a lot of spirit-level energy ready and able to flow into my communication pathways. Previously that was a bit blocked from happening, but now it feels very unblocked and open.

That’s all well and good for me. This October 1st will be my 19-year anniversary of starting my blog. I’d love to keep going, but I’d also love to delve into fresh frequency ranges since the mental range is feeling too predictable to me. There’s only so much I can share about human-level topics without feeling like I’m just rehashing what I’ve already shared. What’s available to share on the spirit side is so incredibly vast by comparison, and I’m picking up a lot of info that’s different from what I expected.

If I had to label my new role, I might call it being a bridge to spirit. I’ve pulled in so much info already that I feel there’s a huge backlog to share, and there’s no way I could keep up with it because more keeps flowing through each day. What I’ve had time to share on my blog and in CGC is only a small fraction of it. So I’ll have to be selective. I like the idea of doing deeper shares via Zoom, like on the upcoming Power of Spirit call, so I can guide people through experiences and practices that I’m learning. I especially like that no belief is required – just an openness to explore and test ideas for oneself. Let each idea provide its own proof, as Frankenstein suggests.

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