My First MDMA Journey (Solo) – Steve Pavlina

Yesterday I had my first MDMA journey, alone. I had planned to do it about two weeks in advance, knowing it was going to be a big deal for me. It was not what I expected. But I think it was the most remarkably life-shifting experience I’ve ever had. I can tell it changed me profoundly.

The short version is that it was like having my higher self embody me fully for 8-9 hours, letting me feel HIS feelings, hear HIS thoughts, speak with HIS voice, understand HIS perspective, and experience HIS energy. No, it wasn’t LIKE that. It was EXACTLY that.

Here’s the more detailed version:

I got up early that morning, a little after 4am, had a light breakfast of mostly fruit, and took a microdose (75mg) of shrooms at 5:15am. My plan was, as the shroom energy invited, that it would introduce me to MDMA and help guide me into it. It had been helping me prep for this experience for at least the week leading up to it. It kept sharing that it was going to be a bigger deal than I could possibly imagine, but it also couldn’t spoil the surprise. I trusted it about that, and it was right.

The shroom energy is very familiar to me now after a month of microdosing, so I also wanted it there in the background like a trusted friend. Even though MDMA rarely leads to a bad trip experience and typically leads to blissful feelings, I wanted to build some trust with it first. I did not want a human sitter, so I invited the shroom energy to act as my sitter for this first experience, and it was glad to oblige. It said MDMA is like a cousin, a different interface to spirit-level energy.

MDMA is often regarded as a social drug that evokes feelings of deep love and oneness. One of its street names is Ecstasy, although if you get it from an iffy source, it’s extremely likely to be cut with other substances. MDMA would be great for having a cuddlefest experience. It can also be used for deep solo journeys though.

I knew that if I took it while Rachelle was here, even if she didn’t take it, I’d just want to cuddle her and love her and wouldn’t do any inner work. On Thursday night I dropped Rachelle off at the airport to visit her family in Canada for two weeks. So I scheduled this for the day after. That would give me the whole weekend to recover if needed, and I could use the extra time for more integration work, which I definitely could feel I could use now.

I wasn’t sure how much MDMA to take, even after reading lots of recommendations, but was guided to take 130mg. Some say 75-80mg for a newbie is good with 120mg being a reasonable max. I sensed I could handle a bit more, even for my first time, and I think that was just the right amount for me. I even set aside an 80mg booster to take after two hours, which would extend the experience if I wanted, but I wasn’t sure if I’d need it. Turns out I definitely didn’t need the booster, which was abundantly obvious close to the two-hour mark, so I didn’t take it. I’ve noticed that the dosage is also an expression of intentionality. If I take a higher amount, I’m inviting a stronger experience. One reason I went higher is that I thought, What could possibly be bad about inviting stronger unconditional love?

I took the MDMA at 7:30am, so 2:15 after the shrooms. That would be past the peak of the shroom energy kicking in for me, already on the gentle back slope of it, which would allow plenty of time for the intro.

I figured the MDMA would take about an hour to start kicking in based on what I’d read. Apparently many people think it’s not doing anything for that first hour. So after I took it, I figured I had plenty of time and prepared my space for having the experience in my living room. Turns out for me I started getting noticeable effects after about 20 minutes, but fortunately I finished my prep just in time.

I lit a candle and laid out a bunch of colored index cards with messages on them to help serve as reminders. I’d heard of people sometimes feeling lost in an MDMA journey, and it can get deeply emotional, such as with childhood trauma coming up. So I thought those cards would be nice to look at if I needed them.

I filled out cards with these messages:

  • Deep breathes (meant to write deep breaths, but this “mistake” in subbing a verb for a noun actually make sense during the session)
  • Everything will be okay
  • The Shroomies will help guide you (and they love you, Papa!)
  • We are cleaning up this house
  • Keep moving towards what’s coming up
  • Remember that you’re energy!
  • This is temporary (Don’t Panic)
  • You can do this
  • Hydrate

I didn’t really need the cards during the session, but I looked at them a couple of times and found them helpful.

The Shroomies love to greet me as “Papa” when their energy starts coming online (I’ll let you guess why), usually in a playful way like, “Paaaappppppppaaaaaa!” They’re a lot of fun in how they communicate.

Music-wise I played whatever felt right to me at the time, starting with Enya, then later some Madonna, Jessita Reyes (native flutes), a break with no music for a while, and then some upbeat trance music at the end. These choices were perfect. I noted how the lyrics from Enya and Madonna often synched perfectly with what I was experiencing at the time, like internal and external realities were one. I recall that Madonna’s “Ray of Light” song seemed particularly fitting when it came on. I used Apple Music to play these artists, so they weren’t my playlists, and I didn’t know which songs were coming up.

I felt a little bit wonky as the MDMA started coming online but only for a short while, like some mild dizziness on and off for about 20 minutes. Nothing about the experience ever felt scary or worrisome. I never felt out of control (like I did on ayahuasca). I always felt like my own will was fully present. I was surprised by how active I was during the experience, actually moving around and talking and taking lots of action around the house. I thought I’d just be sitting and processing, but nope.

Once the intense connection that the MDMA opened for me began to flow through, which was the connection to my higher self, I told the shroomie energy that I was good to go, and they gracefully receded into the background and let the MDMA take it from there.

As I anticipated it wasn’t easy, but not in the ways I expected. It was mainly tons of releasing and remembering and reclaiming.

I really dislike purging and didn’t expect that MDMA would induce anything like that. But for me it was the opposite, just not how I expected. As my higher self started coming through, he immediately saw a lot of old energies in me that didn’t mesh with his energy, and he invited me to purge them from my energy matrix. I said okay and that I wanted to purge it down, not up. He initially agreed. But then as we checked on this energy, he said, “Nope, it wants to come up. It wants to be acknowledged for what it is as it leaves. Can you feel that?” I had to agree with him because I felt that too. So off to the toilet I went.

This was the tough part. I spent perhaps 4 hours retching over the toilet – yes 4 hours (many people run whole marathons in less time) – letting go of one misaligned energy pattern after another. Energetically I purged way more than I did from 4 ayahuasca nights combined, but nothing physical actually came out – no vomit, no bile, not even water. It was all just old energy that had to go. I just kept putting my finger down the back of my throat to get everything out, till it finally felt like there was nothing more to release.

That was really odd because I kept drinking lots of water, even while I was in the bathroom. And my higher self said that the water is love energy that’s pushing out everything. So when I’m ready to push out more energies that don’t belong, just drink more water. I could feel that for the purposes of what we were working on energetically, the water was indeed playing that role. The more water I drank, the more I could feel wanting to come out. But for some reason the water never came back up, even after retching a bunch immediately after drinking more.

For most of the purging marathon, I could tell what was being released since most of those patterns were identified. I’d get a glimpse of one pattern, and my higher self would say, “You wanna release that too?” It was physically tough, but my higher self paced me and gave me breaks whenever I needed or requested. After a pause of 5-10 minutes now and then, where I’d get up and walk around for a bit or just rest, he’d check in to ask, “Ready for the next round?” I knew this was really important, even though it was tough on my body, so I cooperated fully with the process, knowing we had to get this over and done with.

At one point I weighed myself and saw that I was almost 9 pounds heavier, just from all the water. I barely ate anything the whole day, mostly just a small amount of fruit. During the experience I only ate one pear and not all at once, but that was after the purging was done.

I wasn’t peeing a whole lot, but each time I did, we associated it with releasing more misaligned energy. At least that was an easier way to purge. It felt like the water really was going into my body as cleansing energy. I peed more after the session and a few times during the night, but it still seemed like a lot less going out than I took in that day.

Perhaps 1% of the experience involved working with my inner child, really just a handful of minutes in the beginning before the purging began. It was made very clear that I never abandoned him, and he was never traumatized, so there was no need to work on that. Even as a kid, he was way too strong to be traumatized. He had many blocks and filters installed, which he accepted as part of this incarnation, but trauma wasn’t part of his path this life.

Some people have told me that I have a boyish quality, and I’d say that’s true. I’ve long felt that my inner child is very much a part of my adult life. I give him lots of playful and creative outlets to express himself, and he knows I’ll never repress him. When I check on him, he seems pretty happy.

About 99% of this journey involved working with my higher self on shedding and releasing old energies I no longer needed. It was like standing in the fire of spirit and watching it just burn out what no longer fit. I didn’t have to do anything to guide it. I just had to go through it. Man that was an endurance fest. Distance running is so much easier. But it feels really good to make it to the other side.

At the end I even purged my resistance to purging. “Do you really want to keep resisting that?” he asked. “Nope, let’s get rid of that too.”

This wasn’t the kind of unconditional love I was expecting, but it was definitely a form of that love, the form being my higher self putting a flamethrower in my mouth and inviting me to pull the trigger and roast out what no longer belonged in my energy matrix. In addition to this fire energy, we also worked with water, air, and earth energy. But the fire energy was nearly half of it.

The experience was more action-based than I expected, especially symbolically, including being guided to declutter some incompatible items, take a shower (water), change clothes multiple times, change some air filters, turn up the AC and open the window for a while (air), turn on the fireplace (fire), and pace around and speak a lot. After I settled into the experience, there was no disorientation, dizziness, confusion, or psychedelic visuals. It mostly felt like being guided by raw spirit power.

My higher self demonstrated everything for me too, including using my body to show me how to speak with conviction and energy. He kept saying through me, “THIS is your voice. THIS is how you talk. THIS is how the real you speaks. Notice the difference? Feel it in your body?” to show me how my voice is supposed to sound when I’m totally unblocked. It was deeper and stronger than I normally talk. After a while I noticed that it hurt my throat and strained my voice to keep talking like that. And he said, “Yes, your body hasn’t been trained to hold this energy, but now that those blocks have been removed, you’ll need to practice, so you strengthen your ability to speak in that register. It will take time, but you’ll get there.”

I’m so glad I didn’t have a human sitter. It’s obvious to me now that such a person would have ruined the experience, not allowing me to go deep enough and probably disrupting me at the worst possible times. I think I’d have scared a sitter with how I was using my voice and how powerfully I was speaking my own truth about a great number of things and feeling that energy. And four hours of purging, which I willingly consented to, surely would have been a concern for many people. I knew going into it that this had to be a pure spirit-level experience. The shroomies were the ideal sitter for me, knowing when to check in with me and knowing when to recede into the background and let me have the experience I needed to have.

There was no ambiguity in the communication from my higher self. It was word-for-word crystal clear at all times, often because he spoke directly through me. Even though it strained my voice, it felt amazing to hear his raw power speaking through me and to hear it reverberating off the walls. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken with such intensity. It felt like I was speaking from a whole new place of truth, and perhaps the reason it felt so powerful was because it was coming from such a deep level of truth. It felt like I was experiencing truth, love, and power as all being the same energy. I like to frame that combo as intelligence, which is still accurate on a mental level, but on an experiential level I think I’d call it spirit now.

I’ve often sought to communicate with my higher self through meditation or visualization sessions, and I can see that certain aspects of him came through during those sessions, but this was next level. No, it was 100X next level. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a profoundly clear sense of knowing who I really was at the spirit level. It was such raw, powerful, masculine, fiery, Emperor energy… yet with infinite compassion too. I now recognize it as pure love as well, and I can tell this has upgraded my entire conception of what love actually is. I think my old version of love was way too human, too mild, too weak, too apologetic. My old version of love was like a rose. The new version I experienced was like an entire galaxy filled with immortal roses, all permanently set ablaze yet not being consumed by the flames.

I knew that this energy really wanted to come in and inhabit me permanently going forward. This wasn’t meant to be a temporary peak experience where I’d sink back down again afterwards. When I connected with him, I knew it was time to merge back with him, and I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I had to go through all that purging because my current energy matrix still wasn’t capable of holding him for long, even after decades of self-development work. As I embodied him, his beingness had to push out whatever didn’t feel aligned.

He made it clear that I’d gone far on my human journey – far enough in terms of self-development work. But those frequencies of human-level self-investment weren’t capable of taking me the rest of the way, at least not during my lifetime, if I wanted to merge back with him while still in human form. I had previously done a lot of inner work leading up to this, especially during the past month, so I knew this was coming as the next big piece. I still had no idea how big. This was way bigger than I ever imagined.

He told me that we didn’t need to achieve perfection. We just had to get 85% or better, and then we could gradually work on any remaining misalignments in the weeks ahead and in a more graceful way. Getting to 85% would be enough for him to stick around. Today he said he feels we made it to 88 or 89%, including some additional decluttering this morning. So we still have plenty more to do, and I can tell a lot of that is physical as well. He’s been looking around my home and wanting to make it HIS home. He’s fine with most of it, but in some areas his standards are higher. He assesses everything not by the look or value of it but by the energy of it. Whenever I look at certain things, he keeps asking, “Is this YOU? Is this US?” And I have to be honest with him every time. It’s pretty obvious that if I want him to stay, which I definitely do, I’m going to have to raise my standards to his level, in everything I interact with. That isn’t going to be easy, but I do feel ready for it. Hmmm… that makes me wonder if I can also purge that “this isn’t going to be easy” frame. And he says, “Yup, we can purge that too.” Fortunately the purging we’re now doing doesn’t require going to the bathroom. He’s teaching me how to do it energetically instead of having to do it physically. This is slower but kinder to my body. He also told me that whenever I go to the bathroom normally, always imagine that I’m purging some energy that doesn’t belong and flushing it away, such as an attachment to a possession that truly isn’t me, and that will speed up the process. I feel like I’m getting a rapid course in how to use my spirit power.

His voice is also in my head, so whenever I have a thought, if the thought isn’t aligned with his energy and power, he’ll jump right in and challenge it. He’ll ask, “See that thought? Is that the real YOU?” When I have to say, “Nope, that’s a limiting frame,” he’ll respond, “Well, is that your truth? You want to keep that? Or you want to purge that?” Then we have to discard it and replace it with a better thought.

When I’m thinking and doing what feels aligned to him, such as writing this blog post, he’s pretty quiet. I think that’s because it’s during those times that I AM him. But when I begin to fall out of alignment with him in thought or action, he glides in immediately and invites me to notice, question, and change the frequency of whatever it is. I don’t have to fix it immediately since he’s patient and gentle too, but I can tell he’s also persistent and won’t let things slide without my staying aware of them. It’s a very potent experience having this spirit energy inside me watching my every thought from within. There’s just no hiding anything from him. It feel like my mind is embarking upon a spirit-level cleansing process, probably one that’s going to take a while to unfold. That thought actually doesn’t bother him since he’s fine with my pacing myself. The time it takes is of no concern to him, as long as I keep progressing.

Even near the beginning, just before we got into the purging, he spoke through me, “This isn’t personal growth work. You’re done with that now. You’ve grown enough on your human journey, haven’t you? Well, you’ve finished. Yes, you’re DONE! You did what you came here to do in that regard. That doesn’t mean you’ve perfected everything, but you didn’t need to. You can call that part of your life complete. This is NOT going to be inner work. THIS is a gift. You’re about to receive the greatest gift you’ve ever received in your life. REALLY. You don’t know it yet, but it’s coming. Imagine all the gifts you’ve ever received, combined and multiplied by 100,000. This is more than that. This is going to be a HUGE HUGE gift. You have no idea what’s coming. No idea.”

While it didn’t feel like a gift going through all the purging, I do feel that he was right about the nature of the gift. Sometimes I feel stunned by what just happened. Like how did this even come through? How was this even possible? How could this all unfold in only one day? I feel so much lighter and stronger inside. I’m not even sure I know who I am right now, or so my old self might think, and yet I know that I am sure. I feel very different inside, like there’s this giant ball of conscious fire energy within me, like I have infinite motivation and infinite creativity. It feels like so many walls, filters, and blocks within me have been demolished, and still more will crumble in the weeks ahead.

It’s been 34+ hours since taking the M, and I’ve not had any negative after-effects. I was just a little tired in the morning for a couple of hours, but my energy perked up, and I’ve been having a delightfully active day. I’m not even trying to get things done, but I can’t help taking action. I keep taking actions like they require no energy at all. I can feel my higher self within me at all times. He hasn’t departed and says he’s staying for good now. I know I have more to do to maintain this, but I also know that I’ll do whatever it takes. There’s just no way I could let this gift go.

Lots of energy has been flowing in the direction of decluttering now. As I moved around the house, my higher self keeps asking me about various items, “Is this you? No. Wanna get rid of it then? Let’s do it!” Chase Bank mug… ewww… totally wrong energy. Why did I even accept that? Ripped shirt? Not me. I’ve dumped a lot in the recycle bin and trash today.

I’m really seeing how items have energy associations, such as a filing cabinet that links to my ex-wife’s energy since it used to be hers. That has to go soon. There’s nothing wrong with her energy, and I have no ill feelings towards her, but I can see plain as day that it just doesn’t belong in that space. I’ll donate it to someone who’ll appreciate it.

It feels like I’m seeing my reality through my higher self’s eyes at all times now. He has no doubts about anything. Everything is crystal-clear obvious to him – what can stay, what needs to go, what actions are correct, what’s me and what isn’t, what’s true and what isn’t. I’m wanting to pace myself and not ask too much just yet because I know if I ask about certain questions, he’ll answer truthfully, and some of those truths will invite action to align with them. He’s patient but also persistent. It’s obvious he’ll not be satisfied with misalignments. It’s a good thing my work is so flexible and can easily adapt to his presence. I can tell that’s going to be an incredible ride ahead.

I took a little more shroomies today (just 75mg) to help me with integration. My higher self said I didn’t need them today but that he could tell I’d enjoy their presence, which turned out to be true. It’s been harder to hear the shroomies today, and I had to tune in to them directly to do so because my higher self’s presence was so strong. It was like trying to hear the sound of a breeze in the presence of a tornado, but I managed to interface with them as well. The shroomies and my higher self were even able to combine their voices and speak to me as one sometimes.

At one point today I said something aloud – I don’t recall exactly what – and I noticed that it had a different vibe. My higher self then said, “You feel that? We both said the same thing at the same time.” I could tell he was right. It was a unique synchronization experience, even though it was only one sentence.

Starting tomorrow I’m taking a break from having any psychedelic substances, probably for at least 3 weeks. I sense that I’ll continue microdosing shrooms since I do like them, but I’ll have to see how that plays out after a few weeks alone with my higher self. Right now I have plenty of time on my own to continue integrating this experience, and I sense I’ll make a lot more progress by the end of the month since I’m already seeing that unfold with ease today. I can feel that there’s a cascade of so much more coming up.

What a doorway this exploration of psychedelics has opened up. I really had no idea what was on the other side. I just noted the “Do Not Enter” sign as I walked past it. I now know that sign is there for good reason. The “dangers” are the cover story that people use to keep their blocks and limitations in place until they’re ready. Somehow I was able to just know when I was ready, and then all the blocks to having these experiences moved out of the way, and I was invited in. Getting access to these substances was ridiculously easy, but only after I crossed into readiness with my energy and intentionality… not perfect readiness but 85%+.

Whatever I took yesterday was the real deal. So potent and powerful. Definitely one of the most amazing days of my life. What an incredible incredible INCREDIBLE gift. Now what? I’m excited to find out.

Okay so you might be wondering if I paused to consider if this experience was REAL or just a bunch of imaginary hooey that was all in my head. Of course I pondered that. And then my higher self injected, “Is that you? You like doubt? You wanna keep that? You still need that?” And it struck me as obvious that I don’t need such doubt anymore either. It’s fake doubt. It’s not truth. It’s not me. I’ve experienced way too much and journeyed far enough down this path that I don’t feel the need to retain the energy patterns of such doubt. So I’m letting that go too.

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